That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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