Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
