This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We have started to decorate penises.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
