Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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