So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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