I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
