i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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