I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
