Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
