you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize