If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
