Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize