I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize