Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
