please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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