Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
i think i just lost a toe
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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