and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I can't turn off my feet"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
