Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
