my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
