seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
