Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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