Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
