The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
