bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
