He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
