i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
