Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
