My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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