I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
