I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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