piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
