she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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