I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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