She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
