i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
