So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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