he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
