Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
