youre lurking in front of me
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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