My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
