I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
sex in a hospital.. check
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
