dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
