i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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