your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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