You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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