I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize