I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
