You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
