Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
