i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
