Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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