I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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