Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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