My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
