guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
