you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
