Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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