I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
