Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
