he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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