I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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